Word of the Month

I have a new favorite word that I will proceed to mercilessly drive into the ground.

[See alt. entries "Suck It!" and "*SIGH* What??" in your Phoenix-to-English dictionary].

On the [Media Giant Not to Be Named] Mouse television show, they occasionally call for a set of predetermined "tools" that they'll need to complete the show's "mission."  Who knew that it would be so handy to have a giant hairdryer, a purple key, and a bunch of bananas constantly at the ready?  Each of these fabulous items is called a "mouseketool."  Some of you know where I'm going with this...

It just sounds like the best thing ever to say when irritated but not actually mad:  "Don't be a mouseketool!"  "He's such a mouseketool these days."  Much better than "asshat" or "moron."  Even saying it I'm already smiling and kind of not mad anymore.  Ah, the power of cartoons.

So remember, kids, our thought of the day is:  "Don't be a mouseketool!"

Putting the X in Xmas

We put up our Christmas decorations every year on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  We don't go shopping, or even leave the house if we can help it.  It's just how we roll.

Anyhoo, we were busily decorating the tree.  It always ends up with one person delegated to put a hook on each ornament, and everyone else to hang the ornaments.  First DH was putting the hooks on, then DD, then me.

DD says, matter-of-factly:  "Mom is the head hooker."

"What?"

"You know, hooker.  She's hooking the fastest of all of us.  I'd say she's the best hooker here.  I think she should be the one to hook from now on."

Thanks for the vote of confidence, honey.  I love the innocence of five-year-olds.  And I want to know what my "top hooker of the year" award is going to look like.  Maybe something in a stretch lace?

Someone's sharing too much...

Faintly, through the baby monitor:  "Daddy... Daddy... Daddy..."

DH goes up to deal with it, comes down chuckling.

"Did you hear what he wanted, over the monitor?"
"No."
"He was whispering.  I had to keep asking him to repeat it until I got it."
"What did he want?"
"He was whispering: "I'm putting my finger in my nose!"

Oookaaaay.  Thanks for the update, little man.  I think I'm going to post that as my next Facebook status.

Idioms

I think idioms are the most interesting part of any language.  They really give you the flavor of a culture.

What's even more fun is living with little people who are learning them, who don't quite get it the first time.  DD's friend has been sick the past couple of days, including quite a bit of vomiting, DH reports during dinner.  DD then leans over to me and whispers in a knowing voice "yeah, she ate a lot of cookies last night."  DH starts to crack up.

I bet you can finish this one...  Yes, the friend's father actually said "she tossed her cookies."  I can just imagine DD's mental picture of that one.  Her friend, perhaps hiding cozily in an upstairs closet, busily tossing cookies into her mouth.  Mmm.  Tossing cookies never sounded so good!

Commute

To the driver in front of me:

I'm guessing you feel proud of that swollen SUV you're driving, as you serenely proceed down the freeway at five miles under the speed limit, in the passing lane.  You probably feel quite studly as you talk on your cell phone, elbow propped casually on the armrest, wearing your crisp blue and white striped shirt with white collar and unfastened French cuffs.

The truth?  You look like a douche.  Pull over.

This has been a public service message from The Grumpy Commuter.

Personal Space

Deep breaths.  Calm, zen, serene.  Today is the first day of the rest of my---

MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY

[singsong voice] Yes, my love?

Can you open this?  Can you open this?  Can you open this?  [all without taking a breath or pausing]

Okay.  There you go.

Deep breaths.  I am a tree, swayin--

Mooooooom?

[normal voice, still calm] Yes?

Can I have some candy?

You just had breakfast less than 5 minutes ago.  No.

WHYYYYYY?  WHYYYYY?

You know why.  You just ate.  Ask me again after lunch.

Calm, zen, I am filled with love....

MOMMY?
I'm in here!
Mommy?
I'm in daddy's office!
Mommy???
I'M IN DADDY'S OFFICE!!!
MOMMY??
DADDY'S OFFICE!!!!
[appears in doorway] Mom!

[through clenched teeth]  What?

Um, um, do you know blue fan is?

[momentarily confused, then remembering said fan is broken] I dunno.
Can I work on computer?
Yes, you can use the one in the playroom.
Playroom?
Yes.
You use computer?
Yes.
Oh.  [leaves]

I think it's time to consult Dr. Pepper.  The Budweiser Institute is closed until 8 pm tonight.

Mom in the Mirror

Caught myself doing a signature Mom (my mom, not yours, unless your mom is my mom, in which case, hey guys thanks for visiting my blog!) move today:  the full-face rub.  Put one palm on each cheek, and smoosh around in circles.  Repeat.

I remember watching her do this and think "wha?  why would anyone ever do that??"  But I get it now.  It feels darn good.  And if your choice is the full-face rub to loosen up a tension-induced sour rictus of irritation or letting loose a shotgun spray of sarcasm, well, the full-face rub at least makes your face feel nice and tingly.

Rejected Members of the Spice Girls...

• Pumpkin Spice (she was too seasonal)
• Old Spice (think that one's obvious)
• Pickling Spice (too smelly)
  

If Barely Controlled Anger Were Wishes, Berkleys Would Ride

Or is it, if anger were horses, wishers would beg?  Or if horses rode Berkleys, someone would die?  Okay, so trying to alter that old saying doesn't really make sense, on reflection.  Also, if you don't know Berkley is my maiden name, also not very clear.  Did I mention the anger, not quite boiling but close?


I need to find a middle ground.  I'm either trying to please everyone, think of things from every angle, every view point, or I am car-off-a-cliff-stomp-baby-caterpillars-cuss-in-front-of-the-children mad.  I think that's why my blood pressure is too high and I've picked up a good twenty pounds in the past year.  I'm trying to put them down, but they appear to be stuck firmly to my ass.

You know that Three Stooges move, where Curly (?) wipes/slaps his hands down his face, turns around on one heel and goes "whub whub whub"?  Feel kind of like that.  "Hey, Screaming, how's it going?"  "Oh, all right."  TRANSLATION:  "I'm trying not to bite anyone, at least not before lunch.  Stand back a bit, will ya?  My teeth are itching."